Saturday, August 27, 2005

KNOCK IT OFF!! A life and death struggle with a purse

Let's review:

I had taken a trip to NYC with my daughter, sister and niece. While there, we bought a number of purses, knock-offs, from street vendors. We had also stocked up on shoes (not knock-offs), and I had lost the left shoe of a beloved pair of Liz sandals. We gave our purses new names to reflect the fact that they are imposters: Phooey Vuitton, Fake Spade, Nada Prada, Fucci and Foach.

My daughter fell out of love with her Fucci, mainly because it's a larger sized purse than she would normally carry. She made a deal with me and I bought the Fucci and her Foach wallet for $25.00. Here's a picture of the Fucci:

It's the right size for me, classic styling, and slender silhouette.

It's also a pain in the a$$.

The Fucci is the purse equivalent of the black hole. Stuff goes into it and disappears. It has three main compartments and two of those have an additional zippered pocket. The top of it stays together nicely because it's design was based on steel bear traps. When I open it to put something in, I have to be fast because it will quickly snap shut, trapping my hand inside. Then I have to go through the tedious task of gnawing off my arm to set myself free. And that's not as much fun as you'd think.

Notice the handles. They don't move. Ever. They stick straight up, getting in my face as I'm trying to pry the sides of the trap apart and peer inside to find my wallet, car keys, make-up, whatever. If I bend a handle to the side to get it out of my way, it quickly snaps back, whacking me across the bridge of my nose as I'm searching inside black hole to locate the item I need.

Earlier this week, I walked up to the plaza in the center of town and had dinner; eating outside, reading a book and enjoying a lovely evening on the plaza. When I left home, I had dropped my house key into a side zippered compartment in my purse. It was a single key on a butterfly keychain.

I got back home around 10:00, and went rummaging around in my purse for my key. It was gone. I sat down on the chair on the porch and started a fight to the death with my purse over possession of the key. It was determined not to give it up. I pried open the purse, slapping at those damn handles and item by item, emptied the purse. I had it completely emptied and no key. Risking amputation, I meticulously went through each compartment of the purse and did not find it.

I picked up my cell phone and called the restaurant and asked if they had found a single key on a butterfly keychain. No.

I felt through all of the pockets in my shorts. No.

I battled with the purse looking through each compartment again. No.

I threw the purse down on the floor of the porch in frustration and heard a small muffled metallic tinkle.


I picked it up, clutching the sides, and glared at it. Through gritted teeth I snarled, "Give it up or I'm giving you to Goodwill!"

I stuffed my hand inside again, feeling around and through several layers of black rayon, I could feel it. I just didn't know in which compartment it was. Keeping ahold if it in one hand, I used the other and went through each compartment again until I felt the cold metal with my fingers. A HA! Victory! And I KNOW I had searched there before. Demon purse!!

The other morning on my bus ride in to work, my cell phone rang, but I couldn't find it inside that black hole. I knew it was in there because I could hear it. A similar battle ensued, this time in public. The other passengers were looking at me rather nervously as I fought with my purse, called it names, while my cell phone rang and rang. I finally held the purse over my head, looked up in it, and shook it. The phone fell out with a solid clunk to my nose.

I wouldn't be surprised if that lost sandal is in there somewhere. And Jimmy Hoffa. And the Lost Tribe of Israel.

You ask why I still use it. Look again at the picture.

It's a great looking purse.


Eleanor said...

Sometimes, great purses, like a great pair of shoes are worth the trouble and pain, but to me "snapping handles" could be a deal breaker, but possibly a GNFA(overweight)RB!

Eleanor said...

OH - and BTW -
good pun! *snork* :)

Jeff Meyerson said...

It's great being a guy and not having to worry about crap like this.

But it's fun to read about.

sandy said...

There are a lot of life lessons in your story. (1) Covet not thy daughter's purse, (2) You get what you pay for, (3) Leg hold traps are inhumane.

Also, I notice that you and your house key have a somewhat rocky (but always entertaining) relationship!

Kafaleni said...


punky said...

my kate spade has straps that are always erect and get in the way when I go digging for things in the endless abyss that is my purse. :)

p.s. I really enjoy your story telling, Sly.


punky said...

p.s. the things we do for fashion ... :)

wysiwyg said...

Sly, believe it or not, my new laptop bag is a close cousin to your bag.

It is a attache case sort of a thing, with a leather top that folds over and snaps shut with a clip.

Trouble is, its new. And as you know, new bags can be frisky and unrepentent. The fold over bit is particularly frisky.

The clip is made of steel and folding back the fold-over bit is rather like loading the MOAT catapult. One slip and you get the clip buried in the top of your skull as you peer into the bag.

In profile, it's also sort of triangular - wide bottom narrowing to a thinish opening at the top under the fold over bit.

It is supposed to open out once you have released the clip and folded back the cover, but its too willful to allow that at the moment.

The result is that, like your bag, putting you hand into the bag to find something is a high risk adventure.

So I have developed a new technique you may like to consider: I use one hand to hold back the fold over bit, one hand to pry oen the top of the bag, and my teeth to extract items.

I know its a bit like putting your head in a lion's mouth, but the risk of decapitation adds a bit of spice to my morning arrive-at-work routine.

Pity is, its a rather ordinary looking bag so it doesn't have that saving grace that yours does.

Anonymous said...

Axiom: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Corollary: Ugly is in the eye of this beholder.
Conclusion: Your purse sucks in oh, so many ways.


Slyeyes said...

Wys, I'm glad to hear it's not just us gals who go through such silliness.

Slyeyes said...

hydeman, *snork*. Beware the revenge of the Fucci.

Anonymous said...

I retract my statement in its entirety and apologize unreservedly and in perpetuity.


Any and all statements made above are made solely and totally without veracity and/or liability for factual representation in the absolute.