TURNING CHRISTMAS UPSIDE DOWN

If you've heard about these upside down Christmas trees and thought "who would seriously get one of these"....well....me. Thinking about it, that is. I have several reasons. One is a space consideration. The other is just to aggravate my daughter. Over the last several years, we've developed a Christmas tradition of her dissing the tree; and I must say, she does an admirable job.

I typically decorate sometime in the first two weeks of December. For the last 5 or 6 years, Jenni has lived away from home, so it's just Meghan and I. Decorating isn't her forte and she's already spent time at her Dad's helping him, so by the time I've asked her, she has an over-abundance of attitude built up.

About four years ago, she sat on the couch, arms crossed and criticized the HECK out of the tree. "there's a hole"..."the trunk is crooked"...."it's too short". I finally had it, made a reference to being visited by the Christmas B!tch and proceeded to take the lights off the tree and started to put things away. I told her I was going to pitch the tree and get a Poinsetta so I wouldn't have to spend Christmas listening to her dissing the tree. She changed her attitude and started cooperating.

The problem was, the tree quit cooperating. It WAS crooked. We could not get it to sit straight in the stand. We ended up putting magazines under one side of the stand, which made it somewhat unstable. In order to stabilize the stand, we used an intricate system of duct tape, rope and two five-pound bags of rock salt; all of which was hidden by a lovely tree skirt. We finished decorating the tree, topped it with the angel and went into the kitchen to get dinner.

When we came out of the kitchen a few minutes later, the tree had slid slightly to the right and the angel appeared as though she was about to do a half-gainer onto the couch.

The next year, I decided that was my last live tree and bought a fake tree. A nice fake tree. On tree decorating day, Meghan took her place on the couch, arms crossed and proceeded to diss the fake tree. When she gets a good rant going, it is sometimes best to let her go and when she runs out of steam, get her back on course. When she finished her rant, I asked her if the Christmas B!tch could please leave so she could help me out, and she did.

I was apparently under the wrong impression that fake trees were easier. Oh. My. Gosh. What a pain in the A$$. Color coding. Tabs. This part into that part. I soon became the Christmas B!tch. We finally got it assembled and decorated and stood back to admire it. Eh. We weren't impressed; but over the Christmas season, it was kind of nice not to have to worry about watering and vacuuming needles.

After Christmas, Meghan had the idea that instead of disassembling it, we just take it down to the basement as is so we wouldn't have to go through the color coding, tabs, and this part into that part next year. I thought that sounded like a good idea and also left the lights on it. That was a real good idea until we got to the part of the basement stairs with the right turn. The tree didn't take the turn well. When we finally got it all into the basement, it was missing some limbs and the lights were dangling. At that point, I had had it with Christmas, and just threw a sheet over it and decided to deal with it next year.

335 days later, it was next year.

Meghan and I went down to get the tree and take it back up the stairs with that turn. More limbs were knocked off. As well as one of the legs. We got out the duct tape, rope and two five-pound bags of salt and finished setting up the tree. A week or so later, Jenni and Tim arrived for Christmas. Tim's comment was that you seldom see a fake tree leaning like that.

After that Christmas, I pitched the fake tree and return to a real tree. Last year, I got a pretty decent one, I must say. Meghan wasn't home to help me decorate and it really wasn't as much fun without the annual visit from the Christmas B!tch.

Since then, I have moved and have a lot less room for a tree. And by "a lot less", I mean, none. To have a tree, it will require taking out the love seat....and put it where? So, I was thinking of a small table tree for the end table in the corner by the window.

Then I saw the story about the upside down Christmas Tree. It can either be hung from the ceiling or put on a stand. This could really work. And it would give the Christmas B!tch more material.

But it costs $299 to $499? OK, so maybe not.

I do wonder, though, if this trend will catch on with our Jewish friends. An upside down Menorrah?