Sunday, June 17, 2007


I'm out on the patio at the Hyatt currently being ignored by the waitress.


She has one of those deep smoker voices, kind of like a 30-year old Bea Arthur, and just chided a couple of guys at the next table for going in to the bar to get their drinks. "Who told you that you had to go inside? I'll take care of you right out here.

And then she walked past me on her way in.

I waited.

And waited.

And waited (did I mention that I'm starving?)

She finally came out with their drinks. And then turned and walked past me on her way inside.

"HEY!" I yelled.

She walked up to another table. "Yes?" she drawled. They replied they didn't need anything and she turned to walk inside, going past me.

"Seriously, HelLO!!!!!!"

She turned to look and then seemed startled to see me. OK, it is night on the patio and little lighting. But, I have this computer turned on and the screen is like a frikkin' beacon. I feel like I'm in some sort of spotlight.

Anyway.... this morning at breakfast, I noticed the hotel is full of elegant and beautiful middle-aged women and their elderly, doddering rich husbands. I was puzzled as to what kind of convention this would be, and went to investigate.

By investigate, I mean that I read the line up of events on the hotel channel in my room.

International Association of Right of Way (it's some sort of educational thing; not a group of people advocating rules of the road).

And Jason G's bar mitzvah.


And this bar mitzvah, oh my gosh, let me tell you. The title of it is (yes, it has a title), "Tech It Easy With Jason". I know this because of the multi-colored banner stretching across the entrance to the ballrooms. With his photo on either side of "Tech it easy with Jason". His little entry into manhood is taking up three ballrooms. Several times today I passed by while they were setting up. The coordinator was a combination of all 5 "Queer Eye For the Straight Guy" guys.

"We'll have an arch, right here! And Neil will be arriving soon with the fabricking. (Fabricking?) It's black velvet and we're setting it up so that when people arrive at 7:30 it will look like night." There was an elaborate hand gesture when he said that and I assume it was supposed to represent twinkling stars. And let me tell you, this guy would know about twinkling, ifyouknowwhatimean. Andithink youdo.

I glanced inside at the ballroom(s) and noticed a stage had been set up, complete with lights and sound systems and the whole sheebang. As if they were setting up for a concert.

I passed by again, I'm assuming after Jason became a man, and noticed the night-like entrance being guarded by two bouncers (is it common to have bouncers at a bar mitzvah?) who were checking invitations. OK, when was the last time anyone had the urge to crash a bar mitzvah? Maybe I'm missing something. Each bouncer wore flashing lights around his neck. And look rather embarrassed to be wearing them.

*aside --- while I've been out here on the patio, every few minutes, I hear an annoying voice from across the way saying "Hi, I'm A-MAN-da from Ala-BAM-a." Amazingly, she's surrounded by a lot of people. You'd think they avoid her so she'd quit saying that --- or is that some sort of punchline to a joke?*


And all of the people filing in to Jason's bar mitzva after being approved by the bouncers? Walking in into the night with the pulsing music one would hear at a Los Angeles club? All of those elegant and beautiful middle-aged women and their doddering, elderly rich husbands.

I didn't see anyone under 46.

And by the way.... my waitress brought my wine and food and told me she's leaving and I'm being turned over to someone else who will ignore me. OK, she didn't put it that way, but she DID take her replacement around to the other tables to introduce her (Lisa) and passed right by me.


I think I'm going to start opening and closing my laptop so I can send out an SOS. Obviously, it's my fault. I apparently wore my stealth suit today. Maybe one of the bouncers will loan me his necklace.